In the world of romance, one single rule applies:
Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.

You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:


SIMPLE  DUTIES
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)
But return with beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
It's her pet (-20)

 
ANNIVERSARY
You take her out to dinner (+2)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+3)
Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)

A  NIGHT  OUT
You take her to a movie (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes (+3)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called 'Death Cop' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

 
YOUR  PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)

THE  BIG  QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) (Yes, you lose points no matter what)
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response  (-20)

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000)

Wives think, we are working,

Boss thinks we are sick :)

HRD Notice of a company to employees!

Dear STAFF,

Please be advised that these are NEW rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our firm.

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1) TRANSPORTATION:

It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to your salary.

A) If we see you driving a Honda, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

B) If you drive a 10 year old car or taking public transportation, we assume you must have lots of savings therefore you do not need a raise.

C) If you drive a Pickup, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

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2) ANNUAL LEAVE :

Each employee will receive 104 Annual Leave days a year ( Wow! Said 1 employee).

- They are called SATURDAYs AND SUNDAYs.

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3) LUNCH BREAK:

A) Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.

B) Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

C) Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

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4) SICK DAYS:

We will no longer accept a doctor Medical Cert as proof of sickness.

- If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

***********

5) SURGERY :

As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs.

- You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.

- To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

***********

6) INTERNET USAGE :

All personal Internet usage will be recorded and charges will be deducted from your bonus (if any) and if we decide not to give you any, charges
Will be deducted from your salary.

- Important Note: Charges applicable as Rs.20 per minute as we have 10MB connection.

Just for information, 73% of staff will not be entitled to any salary for next 3 months as their Internet charges have exceeded their 3 months salary.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.

Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed somewhere else.

Best Regards,
HRD

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a Question........

The driver screamed! Lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, bounced on the pavement scaring bystanders, scraped an electric pole and finally stopped just few centimeters from a shop window!!

For a second everything went very quiet in the cab, and then the driver said grasping for breath said - "Look dear sir, PLEASE don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!!!!!!!!!"

The passenger though a bit confused, apologized and said, " Well - I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much……………………..??

The driver replied, "Sorry sir, it's not really your fault!
Today is my FIRST day as a cab driver - I've been driving a van carrying dead Bodies for the last 25 years!!!

Before marriage.....

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.

She: Do you want me to leave?

He: No! Don't even think about it.

She: Do you love me?

He: Of course! Over and over!

She: Have you ever cheated on me?

He: No! Why are you even asking?

She: Will you kiss me?

He: Every chance I get.

She: Will you hit me?

He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!

She: Can I trust you?

He: Yes.

She: Darling!

After marriage....

Simply read from bottom to top.

1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/ friends
Stupid Question:-Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:-Well, it's so hot , there were no cool cabs so I thought i'd watch some advertisements in the cool comfort of the theatre.

2. In the bus: A fat girl wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet
Stupid Question:-Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:-No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.. ...why don't you try again or should i try this time."

3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask
Stupid Question:-Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:-Why? Would it rather have been you?

4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:-Is the "blah blah blah" dish good
Answer:-No, it’s terrible and made of contaminated cement. We occasionally also spit in it.

5. At a family get-together. When some distant aunt
meets you after years
Stupid Question:-Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.
Answer:-Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.



6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask
Stupid Question:-Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:-No, he' s a miserable wife-beating , insensitive lout...it's just the money.

7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call
Stupid Question:-Sorry. were you sleeping.
Answer:-No. I was playing cricket for India at Sharjah and just when you called Salim Malik was betting with me that Pakistan would win. What do you think?

8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair
Stupid Question:-Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:-No, it’s autumn and I'm shedding.... ..

9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth
Stupid Question:-Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:-And while I'm telling you , you tell me if I bite.

10. You are smoking a cigarette and someone asks
Stupid Question:-Oh, so you smoke
Answer:-No, it's a miracle ........... it was a chalk and now it's in flames!!!